Quite The Change

For the first Time in my life I believe I’ve truly felt God’s work in my soul. These past two months have been the worst two months of my life. I was trying to be independent in thought, action, and conviction (not necessarily a bad thing, but when independent with the Bible…). I let temptations, like doubt, take root, in my thoughts and I watered them daily with confusion, anger, and rebellion. I believe God gave me a taste of what life is like without him. Previous to this I’ve been solely interested in thinking polemically about Christianity. I didn’t have a full grasp of what it means. I wandered dangerously close to apostatizing, and God gave me glimpse of what life without Him is like. Insanity. Life without Christ, without a constant reliance the holy work that he accomplished on the cross, leads to a dismal and hopeless end. I came far too close to experiencing that end. And what brought me out? I can strongly say that it was a work of the Holy Spirit. In complete despair and quite pathetic humiliation I cried out for God’s forgiveness. He had mercy and picked me up, and for the first time in my life I know what it’s like to have God save my soul. I know the feeling of having Christ bring one to him; and I know the feeling of thankfulness for the work that He does. What a change. I’ve never known this feeling before. It’s wonderful. Now, instead of wanting to kill myself to end miserable insanity, I can’t wait for God to take me home, so I can be with him.

Killing the Abortion Doctor

Scott Roeder has recently begun his trial for the killing of George Tiller, one of the few doctors in the country who would perform late term abortions. Monica Davey, writing for the New York Times, is following the story and in her article, In His Own Defense, Man Admits Killing Abortion Provider, she quotes Roeder as saying, "It's never up to man to take a life, only in cases of self defense or defense of others."

Although I believe Roeder was wrong in killing Tiller, and that he proved to be no help to the pro-life movement in doing so, I'm not one hundred percent certain, based on his previous statement, he was unjustified in his action. For example, if you were out in public and a man attempted to kill you or someone near you, you would be justified in taking action and killing him in self defense. In Roeder's case, considering the fact that Tiller had previously killed at least 60,000 babies and had no intention of stopping, was Roeder justified in killing someone to defend the lives of others? I suppose you could make the argument that he was not actually preserving the lives of others, because those women would have just gone to another doctor to have their baby aborted. However, you could also say that some of those women might not have been able to find someone else considering the fact that Tiller was one of the few doctors who would perform late term abortions; in which case, Roeder actually was saving future lives.

A bigger part of me still adamantly believes that Roeder was wrong when considering what the logical conclusion of his mindset would lead to: a mass outbreak of killing abortion doctors, and blowing up of abortion clinics. Also when one considers Romans 13, and the charge for Christians to live under subjection to the Government God has placed them under, it also seems wrong to openly disregard the law, and take your own action. Abortion doctors are protected, by law, to carry out this practice that to Christians, and many other non-Christians, is clearly morally wrong.

I'm sure there are many aspects to this issue I'm not even considering in my three short paragraphs; nevertheless, these were just some sudden thoughts on the topic. I'd love some feedback.

Being Different:

Liberty and freedom. Two words sewn into the fabric of the American way of life. However, do we think about what they really mean. So often we let words become so familiar that they lose so much of there meaning. Liberty and freedom are not exempt from this travesty. I’m interested particularly in personal freedom and liberty. What does it mean to have personal freedom? To do with ones life as they please without the fear of infringement from other less satisfied souls. To grasp a deeper understanding liberty, I want to explore what human liberty means, and why it seems, at times, unattainable.
Personal liberty means that individuals should have the right to act in whatever way they please, so long as they are not infringing on others. To borrow from John Stuart Mill’s more eloquently phrased explanation: “Liberty of an individual must be thus far limited; he must not make himself a nuisance to other people. But if he refrains from molesting others in what concerns them…he should be allowed, without molestation, to carry his opinions into practice at his own cost.” If humans lived in a manner commensurate with this elucidation, there would be a greater amount of, enjoyment, creativity, and vibrancy during the course of human existence.
For some reason, humans have this insatiable inclination to follow the crowd of “popularity,” and alienate those who do not. The price of daring to be different often proves too much, and forces broken-willed people to blend in with the group for fear of being estranged or isolated. What does this lead to? Not enjoyment. Do we see happiness in the everyday lives of actors living a façade? Following the masses like cattle being herded in every direction? They may assume the veneer of happiness, but inside they are broken. They realize the sham of their existence. Unfortunately they are too trained in the way of imitation to change.
What does the life of someone not enslaved to the drum of their culture look like? It’s creative. They think outside the box. They realize the pointlessness of blindly participating in the worldwide game of follow the leader. They are the people whose lives bloom with creative vivacity. The chains of social boundaries hold no weight on them, and as a result they explore diverse ways of living, that might be better then the status quo. Those changes, however, are foreign to the zombie-like, parroting imitators that make up most of society (that is, unless the majority begins traversing down those paths, thereby creating a different direction to follow).
I’ll conclude with another quote from Mill: “If the grounds of an opinion are not conclusive to the person’s own reason, his reason cannot be strengthened, but is likely to be weakened by his adopting it.”

Some Eclectic Thoughts:

"What shall we say then? That Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, attained righteousness, even the righteousness which is by faith; but Israel, pursuing a law of righteousness, did not arrive at that law. Why? Because they did not pursue it by faith, but as though it were by works. They stumbled over the stumbling stone." Romans 9:30-32
When one attempts to attain the unattainable they always fail. What a no brainer; however, it seems that I've been living my life in this manner. I've been missing the basic meaning of the Christian faith. It's like trying to do calculus without knowing how to count. Or, trying to get on the top of a building by jumping, when it would be easier just to use a ladder. I'll spare you the pain of having to hear any more pathetic illustrations (and believe me, there are more) and just get to the main point. It's so easy to get caught up talking about theology, and lose a grasp on the fundamentals that theology (studied rightly) should lead to, that is, a love and devotion to God. How often do we think about the reality that Jesus Christ died on the cross and shed his blood so that those who put their faith in Him would have a way of salvation from eternal damnation. I know I don't. How often do we spend time thinking about "therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to flesh but according to the Spirit"(Romans 8:1-4).

How many times have I heard these truths articulated? Countless! I could probably ace a Bible 101 quiz, but that doesn't get me into Heaven. Do I really know these truths? Does my heart believe it? Well, right now I don't think so. I've heard this stuff all my life, so much so that I don't seem to blink an eye when I hear words like, "Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death." That is a glorious truth! That's a sentence that one could spend the rest of their life meditating on. It's so easy to lose a grasp on the basic meaning of faith, and get caught up in spewing out terminology and phrases that mean nothing to you personally, but sound impressive to someone else. God is Love, and he sent Jesus to die on the cross so that each person who believes may be free from sin and death. "Free from Sin and Death." This is what theology should lead us back to. So often it takes us away, or at least it takes me away. It's so easy for such wonderful truths to lose the power they possess.

I worked with a guy about a year ago, who, when I found out was a Christian, asked about reformed theology and Calvinism. To my utter shock...(gasp)...he didn't know what Calvinism was. He said to me, "I don't know much about theology, I just know that I'm a piece of crap and that God saved me." I'm embarrassed now, because it's taken me over a year to figure out that I should have been convicted the minute I heard that. I think he knows more about theology then I ever did. It's so easy to get caught up in the terminology and lose sight of the fundamentals. That Jesus Christ died on the cross to save sinners. What does that mean? What does that look like? What should that produce in your life?

Does this mean that all the pieces will automatically fall into place? No. I still don't understand the issues that have been causing my emotional and spiritual chaos, but I know there's someone who does. That someone who said God will have mercy on whom He will have mercy, also said that God is Love. That someone is God, with whom there is no injustice. You can't believe one of those truths and disregard the others.

Who are you O man?

Romans 9:19-21
You will say to me then, "why does he still find fault? For who resists His will?" On the contrary who are you O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, why did you make me like this will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?

Well one thing nice about Paul is that he always predicts the objections that his readers will most likely raise. Romans 9 is no exception. However, His response to the expected objection still baffles me. Some claim that he doesn't answer the objection; however, I believe he does. His answer, "who are you O man who answers back to God?" reveals much. It reveals at least two aspects of Paul's theological understanding. One, the holiness of God; and two, the sinful depravity, and lowliness of man. Paul has a clear grasp on the magnitude of God's holy perfection, and how it compares to the lowly wickedness of man. When a soul begins to gain a sense of God's holiness, the thought of a human, a molded piece of clay, answering back to him, reeks of blasphemy and arrogance. Paul immediately responds, not with words that attempt to justify God, but words that rebuke the audacity of a creature who dares to answer back to the creator of the world. "Who are you O man?" Paul clearly has a sense of how holy God is and how lowly humans are.
His answer, however, is disheartening to me. Mainly because I don't have a reverence or fear that even comes close to this. I have never trembled at the thought of questioning God's actions. The kind of reverence that evokes the immediate "who are you O man" response, is a reverence that will only come through time and meditation. The fear and love of God that humbly submits to his perfect and holy will, is vacant from my thoughts. I feel like there's a barrier inhibiting my understanding from grasping God's holiness.

Faith

"God does everything for his own glory." The phrase is not a new one to me. It's one that rolls off my tongue so easily because I don't think I've spent time thinking about what it truly means. Ultimately I could ask the "why" question until the cows come in and never be satisfied. True satisfaction and peace comes when the Holy Spirit has done a work on the heart. Truly thinking about things you've been taught all your life puts a different perspective on them. Trying to make things become heart knowledge feels a lot like trying to convince myself of something I have a hard time believing, but feel that I should be believing for my own peace of mind. Realizing that what you've been taught all your life really doesn't make any sense is a mentally shattering experience. It almost seems easier to push the doubts to the back of my mind, and carry on with the comfortable normality that I've previously been accustomed to. I don't want to be doubtful about the Bible. I just want to fully believe what I say. I know assurance is something that many Christians often struggle with, and I think I'm one of those Christians.
I don't believe that it's morally wrong to have children. Not being able to see the confusing labyrinth of thought inside my mind, I understand the responses that that statement procured. That post was the product of a theologically frustrated mind that didn't give its own thoughts time to sink in. Assured belief in scriptural doctrine is a life long struggle that I am at the beginning of. It takes great faith to speak with true passion and conviction and great faith is definitely something I lack. I know the answer to my questions. I know in my head that God is perfect, he is holy, his methods should not be up for debate, humans should not even dare to question his perfect will that has been unfolding throughout history and will continue to unfold throughout eternity; however, that's the extent of my knowledge. I can give solid answers to questions relating to theodicy; the problem comes when I look to see if I believe them in my heart. I know I have issues when I push them to the back of my mind and hope the answers will eventually come. That seems like the wrong mode of operation. As far as receiving a satisfying answer...doesn't that have to be a work of the Holy Spirit over time? I believe I know the answers to my questions; however, I might paradoxically add, I also don't know. I don't truly know, and I don't know if I truly believe. Lastly, to quote a theologian whose name seems to have escaped me, "assurance comes over time." I have seen the truth of this statement exemplified in the lives of other Christians, which inclines me to believe its true. I now hope that time and the Holy Spirit will be the surgeons operating on my heart.

Why it seems morally wrong for Christians to have kids.

Why, in such sinful times of rampant immorality and temptation, do Christians continue to have children? They don't have a guarantee that every child will be saved. Most of the "Christian" kids I know don't even act like Christians. Kids grow up and often break  their parents heart. All parents are doing is creating children who will most likely be banished to Hell for eternity. So what if two out of three children in a particular Christian family are saved, there is still that one child that isn't. That one child that will go to Hell for eternity because the parents wanted to fulfill their own desire for happiness. They wanted to bring joy into their lives by having kids and training them up in the "admonition of the Lord." Well, is it worth the gamble to have a kid that might be sent to Hell for eternity? Is it really worth the price?  If parents really love Children they will not take the chance of creating future residents of Hell. It seems, in a fallen world, almost morally wrong to usher new souls into eternity. I envy the aborted and still born babies that never had to struggle with a life of sin; but rather, were immediately glorified, and now are in the presence of God.